On another forum a long time ago (or a year and a half ago, whatever), I took a great internet idea and made it my own: the internet deathmatch. In the internet deathmatch, two or more characters engaged in a hypothetical confrontation clash head-to-head, eye-to-eye and brain-to-brain, to see who would emerge the victor. With the medium of the forum I was able to commit such outcomes to polls, hence the Rolly-Polly Deathmatch.

The premise is simple: at the end of a predetermined period of time, the combatant with the most votes is declared the winner. But the art and the complexity lie in the execution; it is not enough to cast your vote and be done with it, oh no. For your champion of choice to harbor any hope of emerging triumphant, you must debate, persuade, badger, extoll your champion's strengths, cast a baleful light on every other combatant's shortcomings and form a compelling argument on why your champion would surely claim victory if the hypothetical battle were ever realized.

Stronger, more eloquent and more soundly conceived arguments will always surmount the brief and shallow cheers of fanboys and fanatics. Ask yourself, how solid a debater and analyzer are you? And would your support be an asset to your champion, or a detriment?

The following are examples of pro-Robocop arguments which one might find in a hypothetical Rolly-Polly Deathmatch between Robocop and Jason Voorhees:


A poor argument: "I voted Robocop because Robocop RULEZ!"

A fair argument: "Robocop has ranged weapons and a targetting computer which analyzes potential targets. Robocop's going to keep shooting till Jason goes down, and if Jason's just faking, Robocop will know. And Robocop's machinepistol is capable of shooting Jason to pieces if that's what it takes."

A very strong argument: "Examine Jason's history in the Friday the 13th films and you will see that he kills the majority of his victims not through brute force but through stealth; by the time the victim realizes that Jason's there, it's too late. But, as we can see from the warehouse ambush scene in Robocop, Robocop's onboard targetting computer is capable of spotting targets even through heavy concealment and light cover, and his sensory reception--including video and audio--has been fine-tuned to optimal levels, as mentioned among the OCP board members in Robocop. Therefore, Jason's attempts at stealth will fail against Robocop, forcing Jason to fall back on his penchant for brute force which, while very formidable, can be dealt with.

"For all his physical might, Jason's choices of weaponry have never included anything beyond improvised melee weapons...nothing possessed of very much firepower in itself. And, as we can see from Clarence Boddicker's death scene in the scrapyard (again, in the first Robocop movie), Boddicker's lackey dropped a few tons of scrap metal on top of Robocop, allowing Boddicker himself to grab a length of steel bar and punch it through Robocop's torso; neither the crushing pile of scrap metal nor the impaling metal bar succeeded in killing Robocop, nor did the barrages of gunfire which Robocop endured from the likes of the ED-209 droid, Boddicker's goons in the warehouse and the OCP police officers under Dick Jones' command. The borged-out Cain from Robocop II provided an even fiercer and more threatening enemy, but even Cain could neither kill Robocop nor prevent Robocop from exploiting his weaknesses and killing him. And if these formidable attempts on Robocop's life failed, then whatever knife, spear or axe Jason scrounges up will likely fail to kill Robocop as well.

"That leaves only the task of defeating Jason in order to seal Robocop's victory. Jason's immortality is legendary; he has proven capable of returning from one apparent death to the next, surviving sequel after sequel after sequel. So Robocop's machinepistol and data spike won't be enough to finish him off. However, as we saw in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jason--as well as most anyone else--can be put down for the count by at least one surefire thing: the wholescale destruction of the body. And though he chiefly relies on his trusty machinepistol, Robocop, as a special law enforcement unit for OCP, does have access to an assortment of other weaponry, including the horribly destructive Cobra rifle which Dick Jones (the former Vice President of OCP) supplied to the crimelord Clarence Boddicker, who used the Cobra rifle to great effect during the OCP work strike. After Robocop killed Boddicker, Robocop recovered the Cobra rifle and returned to OCP's headquarters, making entry after using the Cobra rifle to completely demolish another ED-209 droid. ED-209s are walking tanks formerly designed for use by the military, and if a Cobra rifle can instantly reduce an ED-209 to flinders, then Jason Voorhees will withstand the Cobra's blasts for about as long as a fart in a hurricane.

"In conclusion, Robocop will ascertain what Jason has done to any number of murdered campers, he will subsequently analyze Jason's capabilities, he will see Jason coming for him and he will reduce Jason to a fine red mist, retreating to headquarters to requisition the Cobra rifle if necessary. And this outcome assumes that Robocop's cybernetic physical strength is not greater than Jason's undead physical strength, because if that were the case, then Robocop could simply use police close-quarters tactics to put Jason (who, as an undead grown-up little boy, has had zero formal close-quarters combat training) on the ground facefirst, clamp the cuffs on him, put him in the back of the OCP patrol vehicle, fill out the paperwork for the arrest and be done with it. Either way, Robocop for the win."


Through these guidelines, I and the rest of the City of Heroes Guru community staged some truly remarkable Rolly-Polly Deathmatches (as well as a few lamentable ones; I'm still trying to get over the embarassment of pitting Edward "Blackbeard" Teach against Ryu Hayabusa)...

...remarkable matches such as this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and one to rule them all...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...as well as a ridiculous spin-off or two...or eight....
And a whole bunch of ideas that never cracked the egg.

And now that we have established the groundwork for a Rolly-Polly Deathmatch, let us unveil this week's combatants.

The Disney corporation has long borne an unflattering reputation for "cutesifying" their work. Whether through rewritten storylines, cute talking animals, cute anthropomorphic robots or cute anthropomorphic material objects, Disney's writers have proven themselves willing to stoop to any intelligence-insulting means to send one up for the kiddies. However, every once in a blue moon, Disney unleashes a truly worthy villain, a sentient sinkhole of evil so concentrated and pure that we the audience are inescapably compelled to sit up, take notice and marvel at the villain's vast magnitude of wickedness. And so I have taken three of whom I have judged to be Disney's most irredeemably sinister movie villains, and I have brought them to the New Rolly-Polly Deathmatch for a showdown.

And here they are:



First Disney Appearance: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Summary: Snubbed when the king and queen were passing out invitations to Princess Aurora's christening, Maleficent crashed the party to convey her disgruntlement to both the royal family and the faeries who had been invited. Evil, sorcery-packing faerie women do not handle rejection well, so Maleficent laid her infamous death curse on Baby Aurora. The good faeries got Aurora's sentence reduced from death to endless slumber, but Maleficent didn't think that was such a bad deal; there are fates worse than death, as Maleficent knows well. And she'll eagerly imprison, torment and kill any aspiring prince who strives to unravel that fate.

Capabilities: Maleficent brings a whole bag of magic tricks to the table, including the ability to teleport, to hurl fiery blasts and lightning bolts, to change the weather, to transform into a mighty dragon and, of course, to lay curses. Being resistant to mundane weaponry in her dragon form is one more perk of the metamorphosis, and a small army of goblins at her command completes the tally.

Defining Quote: "Now you shall face me, O prince, and all the powers of Hell!"




First Disney Appearance: The Black Hole (1979)

Summary: The Black Hole was an uncharacteristically dark live-action Disney movie, and Maximillian alone provided copious nightmare fuel for many a toddler whose parents were misled by Disney's sweet, child-friendly promise and brought their kids to sit through one of The Black Hole's cinematic showings. Harboring a silent yet sinister intelligence, in the course of 98 minutes Maximillian's artificial mind proved itself capable of an assortment of vices and inhumanities, including cruelty, jealousy, violence, betrayal, vindictiveness and murderous bloodshed. Maximillian had to topple the robotic marksman Captain S.T.A.R. to earn a place at Dr. Rhinehardt's side, and when Dr. Rhinehardt finds a like mind in Dr. Alex Durant, Maximillian--apparently jealous or fearful of being replaced as Rhinehardt's most favored--summarily kills Dr. Durant with practically no provocation. Possessed of a singleminded and unstoppable drive, Maximillian provided a truly fearsome and dangerous antagonist to the surviving heroes who sought to avert Dr. Rhinehardt's plans to take them with him on a deranged one-way voyage into the black hole.

Capabilities: Maximillian has no ranged weapons, but he usually doesn't need them; however, in this instance, he has retained a standard squad of eight of the Cygnus' enforcer droids--each outfitted with the standard two tandem-barrel laser pistols--to handle such a need should it arise. In himself, Maximillian is capable of flight and can hover indefinitely, and he has an assortment of limbs specialized for such tasks as manipulating objects, interfacing with various technologies, generating electromagnetic fields, striking with blunt force, cutting metal and shredding victims with his furiously rotating three-bladed talons. His steely, demonic red hull is impervious to many attacks (short of a sustained drilling from a steel drill and other such labored attacks), and his stark, featureless, emotionless visage and red, cyclopean gaze were terrifying enough to keep even his own master in fear of him.

Or perhaps Maximillian was the real master all along....

Defining Quote: (None but an endless emotionless silence, broken by the evil whine of blades shearing through a thick book and punctuated by Dr. Durant's agonized death screams.)




First Disney Appearance: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Summary: When he was first introduced in Victor Hugo's ageless tale, Claude Frollo was a meek, lustful and mildly manipulative Catholic clergyman. But in another uncharacteristic invocation to the Dark Side, Disney turned Frollo into a magistrate, vested him with political power and forged his personality into that of a cruel, sadistic, morally corrupt and implacable despot. His malice towards the Gypsies hints at an even darker and possibly genocidal ambition against them--one which only the force of the Law can inhibit--and such is his charisma that Quasimodo, for most of the movie, remains loyal to him despite the oppression that Quasimodo has endured under Frollo's unyielding hand. His dominion over Paris is deeply entrenched and his authority is absolute...so absolute that nothing short of Frollo's direct assault against Notre Dame--and, by association, God Almighty Himself--could rouse the people of Paris to turn against him and dethrone him....

Capabilities: The bulk of Frollo's strength lies chiefly in his political power and station; through that station, Frollo commands hundreds of men-at-arms and countless Parisian citizens, merchants and aristocrats beyond them. An enemy in the open will be immediately swamped once the armsmen close the distance; an enemy beseiged in an enclosure will not endure for much longer. In himself, Frollo is only a passable swordsman, but beware his self-righteous drive and craven treachery; though he may seem to have surrendered to you, the sudden, sharp sting of a dagger plunging into your back will assure you that he has truly not.

Defining Quote: "There, there, Quasimodo. I know it hurts. But now the time has come to end your suffering...forever."


The black hole had altered the flow and order of space; this much, Dr. Rhinehardt had predicted. But Dr. Rhinehardt had not anticipated the black hole's dilation of time or the flux inflicted on reality as well. A thousand outcomes were written, rewritten and rewritten again. The crew of the Palomino slain, their torn and laser-burned bodies scattered throughout the Cygnus, and the Palomino destroyed--and Dr. Harry Booth killed--during an ill-fated liftoff. The benevolent robots V.I.N.CENT. and Bob, brutally dismembered and cast into the cold void of outer space. Dr. Rhinehardt, crushed beneath the collapsing structure of the bridge, betrayed and left to die. Captain S.T.A.R. and all but a handful of his soldier droids, destroyed by the same malevolent force who decided that they were no longer needed. And all the drones who crewed the Cygnus, killed on impact when the Cygnus, badly damaged by a barrage of meteorites and the black hole's immense hypergravity, returned to Earth and plummeted through the atmosphere, crashing in the outskirts of Paris. But the surviving sinister figure emerged from the wreckage to see that it was not the same Paris which existed when the Cygnus departed Earth on its fateful voyage, but was instead another Paris, one which existed at some point during the Middle Ages.

And in that river of time Princess Aurora was rescued from Maleficent's tower not by the destined Prince Phillip--who, with his faerie allies, yet lay chained in a prison which had proven all too inescapable--but by a humble and malformed bellringer and his small band of friends, all hailing from the faraway hills and cities of France. But neither Quasimodo nor Esmeralda was the bloodthirsty type, and Phoebus' blade had failed to strike away Maleficent's life; the wicked faerie yet lived, and now she and her creatures had come to Paris. Though Quasimodo and his friends could not wake Aurora from her enchanted slumber, they were content to secret her away within the towering cathedral until the one destined to awaken her could be found.

And now, Maleficent had come to reclaim her prisoner. But she and her goblins would not enter Paris unchallenged. Across the plaza, the judge, riding high in the saddle of his stalwart steed, regarded the grim faerie and her monstrous underlings with a piercing gaze. He was a man who, though wicked in his heart of hearts, held only ire and condemnation for whatever of the world's evils he perceived...and he had never spied demons so self-evident as these. With Judge Frollo's sharp command, his armored swordsmen and halberdiers leveled steel at the intruders, warning them of bloodshed, death and eternal damnation if they advanced.

But what advanced into the square then was neither faerie nor goblin but a band of somber mechanical knights, led by a floating scarlet form shrouded in a diabolical air. Where Frollo saw an alloyed demon, Maleficent saw a grim and mystic crusader, and each assumed that Maximillian was an ally of the other.

Threats and commands were shouted across the expanse. Steel sang in the breeze. And that day, the streets of Paris would know the clamor of a battle unlike any other before.

...and unlike any other until time's end.


And now, let the first New Rolly-Polly Deathmatch begin!