Illusion Vale

A place where writers go to make their visions come alive.
 
HomeHomeFAQSearchRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Bad Joke of the Week

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
AuthorMessage
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Jan 31, 2017 2:57 pm

I told that one to my parents.  Dad in particular got a huge laugh out of it.  Very Happy


A man's getting into the shower right after his wife finishes hers.  The doorbell rings right at that moment, so the wife wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  She opens the front door and sees their next door neighbor, Bob.

Before she can say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel right now."  He starts waving a thick wad of $100 bills in front of her face, so it doesn't take her long to decide.  She drops the towel and stands there naked, just long enough for Bob to get a big eyeful.  With a satisfied smile on his face, Bob hands her the $800 and leaves.

She wraps herself up in the towel again and heads back inside with the money.  When she gets back up to the bathroom, her husband asks, "So who was at the door?"

She shrugs, "It was just Bob from next door."

"Great," he says.  "Did Bob say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Feb 07, 2017 3:30 am

I once knew a guy that started his own business in Afghanistan. He makes land mines that look like prayer mats.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:00 am

One of the things added to my bucket list is to go on a high speed chase with a doughnut truck.  Then on the evening news the world can watch as several police cars chase down a doughnut truck.  

Watching that over and over would be would be worth going to jail over.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:39 am

I don't really have a joke today, so I'm just going to leave this Imgur page here.

Goats: Mother Nature's refrigerator magnets. Wink
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Feb 26, 2017 5:32 am

Saturday Night and tis time for another joke for you to enjoy.  I know they're old, but I have decided to include a few of my favorite Chuck Norris jokes.

1. Chuck Norris once got bitten by a cobra.  After five days of pain and suffering the cobra died.

2. Chuck Norris once threw a grenade into a crowd and killed fifty people.  After that the grenade exploded.

3. I bet you Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:45 am

4. In any given room, there are 1,063 objects that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.

5. The Government had planned to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough to make his beard.

6. How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.


Back to you. Very Happy
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:00 am

Because we were in the Air Force  

7. When people ask which military branch is the best, I simply point out the fact that Chuck Norris was in the Air Force.

8.  Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.

9.  Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie.  He was The Force.  

Your Turn.  cheers
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Feb 26, 2017 9:13 pm

10.  Chuck Norris' calendar jumps from March 31st to April 2nd.  No one fools Chuck Norris.

11.  He who laughs last, laughs best.  He who laughs at Chuck Norris...oh, it's definitely his last laugh!

12.  Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Feb 27, 2017 5:43 am

13.  There is no theory of evolution.  Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

14.  Chuck Norris doesn't cook his food, because revenge is dish best served cold.

15.  Once a city was going to name a street after Chuck Norris.  City officials soon realized that this would be a bad idea for the simple reason that no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Feb 27, 2017 7:35 am

...or at least no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives, right?  Wink


16.  Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

17.  Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper just doesn't have the guts to tell him.

18.  Chuck Norris switched to Geico and saved 125% on his car insurance.  Geico's still trying to figure out how he did it.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:12 am

19.  During tax season the IRS receives a blank tax form from Chuck Norris along with a picture of him crouched and ready to attack.  Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.

20.  Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

21.  Chuck Norris and Superman once got into a fight.  The loser had to start wearing their underpants on the outside.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Feb 28, 2017 7:16 am

22. When children go to bed, they wear Superman pajamas. When Superman goes to bed, he wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

23. Before children go to bed, they check their closets for the Bogeyman. Before the Bogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

24. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:27 am

25.  Chuck Norris published his diary for the world to see.  We know it as the Guinness Book of World Records.  

26.  How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if that woodchuck was Chuck Norris?  All of it.  

27.  Lets be real Chuck Norris is just a dumb actor.  If he were really that good he would come over to my place and smack my head on the keyboar 
dsaljklwe 789BV 0akmlwaerj,mklsadgfskl -42511 11AJ&^%901.,cckoi dlo;eoianMmhse;lkl;j  skc,.<>Lhjkiuo
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 01, 2017 8:19 am

(Heh! I've seen #27 in the YouTube comment sections so many times. Check out that Chuck Norris Mountain Dew commercial. Its comment section bleeds Chuck Norris facts! Very Happy )


28. If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you might only have seconds to live!

29. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

30. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, because the word "hunting" infers a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Thu Mar 02, 2017 4:17 am

31.  Chuck Norris won a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.

32.  Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

33.  Chuck Norris found a winning lottery ticket two minutes after he broke a mirror over a black cat, while standing under a ladder on Friday the 13th.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Thu Mar 02, 2017 7:00 am

34. When Chuck Norris donates blood, he refuses the needle and instead asks for a handgun and a bucket.

35. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47.

36. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go back to the island and retrieve the footage.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Fri Mar 03, 2017 12:09 am

37.  Just for fun Chuck Norris decided to see what happens when he lit one of his farts on fire.  The place he chose was the Sahara Forest.

38.  When Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone he already had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.  

39.  During his movies Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double for the crying scenes.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Fri Mar 03, 2017 12:11 pm

40. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries. Never.

41. Chuck Norris doesn't play Hide and Seek. He plays Hide and Pray I Don't Find You.

42. With his bare hands, Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a coconut and turn it into the best lemonade you ever had.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Mar 04, 2017 4:25 am

Tis Friday one joke ends and tomorrow a new one shall begin.  So this shall be the end of my Chuck Norris facts.  If you wish to include more Chuck Norris facts you must do so by 12AM EST or it doesn't count.

43.  When Chuck Norris was born the only person that cried was the doctor.  NEVER slap Chuck Norris.

44.  Scientists once analyzed Chuck Norris' sweat.  In it they discovered a chemical formula that we know today as Red Bull.

My final Chuck Norris statement of the week.  

45.  Since my birthday is coming up, I would like to personally thank Chuck Norris for allowing me to live another year.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
avatar

Male Number of posts : 2024
Age : 45
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Mar 04, 2017 4:56 am

46.  Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

47.  When Chuck Norris was a freshman in high school, seven seniors took him snipe hunting in the woods.  When the sun came up, he had killed nineteen snipes, three timber wolves and a grizzly bear.  Oddly enough, the seven seniors are still missing.

48.  Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man.  He gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which Jesus cherished and wore for the rest of his life.  The other three Wise Men grew envious of Chuck's wondrous gift and successfully conspired to have all references to him omitted from the Bible.  Soonafter, all three of them died from mysterious roundhouse-kick-related injuries.

49.  I too am glad that Chuck Norris allowed you to live another year.

50.  ...and me as well, for that matter.  Wink


Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Mar 05, 2017 9:22 pm

So I was watching this Hispanic magician the other day.  

He said, "On the count of tres I will disappear.  Count with me.  Uno, Dos," but before he finished he was gone.  

I guess he disappeared without a tres.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:09 am

I've got to stop saying, "How stupid can you get?" at work. I'm starting to think some coworkers are taking it as a challenge.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:13 am

My supervisor told me I should dress for the job I want not the job I have.

I can't understand why he was so mad when I showed up to work dressed like BATMAN!!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Apr 25, 2017 6:26 am

A long time ago a new park opened.  At the center of this new park were two beautiful statues.  One being male and the other being female.

One hundred years passed and as you can imagine the statues suffered all kinds of abuse.  Spray-paint, gum, trash, and the many birds that decided to use the statues as their personal bathroom.

One night an angel came down from Heaven and turned the statues into real people.  The angel said, "As a gift for all the abuse you have suffered over the years I grant you one hour of life.  Do with it as you wish."

The male statue leans over and whispers into the female's ear.  She begins to smile and they both disappear behind some bushes.  The angel hears a lot of laughing, a loud grunt ,and after a time the two statues emerge from the bushes.

The angel looks at his watch and says, "The two of you still have fifteen minutes left."

The male statues looks at the female, "That was fun do you want to do that again."

The female statue smiles, "Of course, but this time you hold down the bird while I shit on its head."
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Spirit of the Tiger
Valian
Valian
avatar

Male Number of posts : 278
Age : 43
Location : Where ever I go, there I am.

PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Jun 19, 2017 3:55 am

Male 911 Operator:  "911 What's your emergency?"
Male Caller:  "Help two girls are fighting over me."
Male 911 Operator:  "So what's the problem?"
Male Caller:  "The ugly one is winning!!!"
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   

Back to top Go down
 
Bad Joke of the Week
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 2 of 3Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Joke of the day
» The waterfall joke.
» Spirit Week Questions
» [| Wolf Profiles
» Joke Topic

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Illusion Vale :: Elfsong Tavern :: Common Room-
Jump to: