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Spirit of the Tiger
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PostSubject: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Oct 29, 2016 8:31 am

OK Ladies and Gentlemen, its time that I your beloved Spirit of the Tiger started a thread of his own.  I have decided to call it BAD JOKE OF THE WEEK.  It is in this forum that you will come face to face with some of the worst jokes on the planet.  I am warning you that many of these jokes are BAD and in some cases VERY BAD.

Here's how I hope it will work.  On Saturdays or Sundays I will post a joke for the members of Illsuion Vale.  Some times the joke will be in the form of sentence or pargarph, other times it will be in the form of a question.  If the joke is in the form of a quesion ,I will post the punchline to the question on Friday.  If you know the punchline you may answer, but please no using GOOGLE as that has a tendency to take the fun out of things.   

Every so often I will call upon other members of the Vale to post a bad joke of their own.  In the event of guest joker the question must be posted on Saturday or Sunday.  If no answer is given by Friday it becomes the duty of the person who posted the joke to inform the rest of us of the punchline.

Good?  And away we go. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy


Last edited by Spirit of the Tiger on Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:04 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Oct 29, 2016 8:34 am

Since it is now Friday and no joke was posted on Sunday I am forced to post joke and punchline all in one.  

JOKE:  What does NASA do when they want to have a party?

PUNCHLINE:  They Planet.  (Drum roll Please)
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Oct 31, 2016 5:38 am

Tis Sunday night and time for another bad joke. As a reminder the punchline will be posted on Friday.

JOKE: What do you do when a chemist dies?

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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Nov 05, 2016 6:23 am

I guess nobody wants to enjoy my new thread at this time. No matter I will still post bad jokes and punchlines.

PUNCHLINE: You Barium
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:02 am

Here is an oldie but goodie for all you beef lovers.

JOKE: What do you call a cow with no legs?
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The House of Ainsley
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Thu Nov 10, 2016 6:56 am

Spirit of the Tiger wrote:
JOKE:  What do you call a cow with no legs?  
Ground beef! Razz

Yeah, I've heard that one too. Wink

RIDDLE: What did legendary composer Ludwig van Beethoven do after he died?
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:40 am

RIDDLE:  What did legendary composer Ludwig van Beethoven do after he died?

PUNCHLINE:  He's decomposing.  

This week I have decided to just go with two paragraph jokes because next weekend I will have to be in South Dakota attending the funeral of my Grandmother.  No worries she had a long and full life at the young age of 97.  

BAD JOKE:  I went to a wedding this weekend of two antennas.  The wedding sucked, but the RECEPTION was great.

BAD JOKE TWO:  Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Fri Nov 18, 2016 4:28 am

So an international airliner flight was making its way to South Africa when a sudden lightning storm took out three of its engines.  The pilot came over the intercom.  "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some very bad news.  Our airliner has been reduced to one engine.  Not only is this going to put us well behind schedule, but our flight manifest indicates that we're about 600 pounds overweight for a one-engine flight.  I'm afraid that unless three passengers debark the aircraft immediately, we'll come down in the ocean and never reach our destination.  And unfortunately, this flight didn't come equipped with parachutes.  We are truly sorry."

So the cargo door in the back of the plane slowly opened, and a long, unsettling hush settled over the cabin as every passenger, every flight attendant and every other crewman realized that three of them would need to die in order for the rest to live.

And then, a Frenchman stood up from his seat, grabbed his satchel and walked back to the cargo door.

"Viva la France!" he shouted.  And he jumped out of the plane, plunged into the clouds and was lost from view.

And then, an Englishman stood up, grabbed his bags and made his way back to the cargo door.

"God save the Queen!" he shouted.  And then he too leaped from the plane and plummeted to his doom.

The airliner was starting to right itself, but it was still descending.  The silence hung heavily over the cabin as the passengers and crew wondered who would be the last to die.

Finally, a Texan stood up from his seat.  He didn't even bother with his carry-on as he swaggered back towards the cargo door.

"Remember the Alamo!" he shouted sharply for all the gathering to hear.

And then he grabbed a Mexican and threw him out.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:38 am

It was pretty foggy the other day so I tried to catch some in a bottle, but I MIST!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Dec 05, 2016 7:18 am

Joke: Why can Barbie never get pregnant?
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Dec 10, 2016 7:15 am

Spirit of the Tiger wrote:
Joke:  Why can Barbie never get pregnant?

PUNCHLINE: Because Ken comes in a different box. (For you English Majors that is what is called a double entendre.)
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Tue Dec 13, 2016 5:15 am

Did I ever tell you guys about my job crushing cans?  It was SODA PRERESSING
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:26 am

Here is one of my daughters favorite jokes.

JOKE: What do you call a fake noodle?
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Dec 24, 2016 10:09 pm

PUNCHLINE: An ImPasta
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Dec 26, 2016 8:26 am

Here is a good one that my mom told me the other day.

JOKE:  What do you call a bunch of Liberals in a basement?  

If you don't know the answer you'll just have to wait till Friday to find out.  Very Happy


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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Dec 26, 2016 9:12 am

I call them "anti-American scuzzballs" myself, whether they're in a basement or anywhere else. Razz


So a Texas State Trooper pulled a car over on the highway. An old guy and his wife were sitting in the car when the trooper walked up.

After getting the driver to roll down his window, the trooper asked him, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

The old guy answered, "You pulled me over for no goddamned reason, damn you!"

Keeping his composure at the scathing answer, the trooper told him politely. "Sir, I pulled you over because I caught you driving 85 miles per hour. The speed limit here is 75."

"You didn't catch a damned thing! I was driving right at the goddamned speed limit!"

"No, sir, you were not."

"Goddamnit, I was! I was going 75 goddamned miles per hour!"

"Sir, I caught you on radar and I caught you on my dash cam. You were going 85."

"The hell you say! Your toys are lying hunks of crap! I was going 75, goddamnit!"

By then, the trooper had had enough of the old guy's attitude. So he walked around to the other side of the car and asked the wife, "Ma'am, is your husband always this hostile and belligerent?"

And she answered, "No, sir. Only when he's drunk."
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Dec 26, 2016 10:59 pm

The House of Ainsley wrote:
I call them "anti-American scuzzballs" myself, whether they're in a basement or anywhere else.  Razz

That it true, but it is not the CORRECT answer to the question.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Dec 31, 2016 2:50 am

So you guys have waited all week for the answer to the joke I told.  Well here it is.

JOKE:  What do you call a bunch of liberals in a basement?

PUNCHLINE:  A whine cellar.  Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:11 am

Sounds more like "Social Justice Warriors in a basement" to me.  Those guys whine about everything.  I think they make up problems just to feel good about themselves when they start bleating about the problems that they just made up!  "That man just called that woman 'babe!'  Even though she doesn't seem offended about it, oooh, I am SO offended!  Hey, man!  Don't call women 'babe,' you sexist misogynist!  Check your privilege!  There!  I'm a hero!  Fear the mighty Social Justice Warrior!"  "But he calls me 'babe' all the time because we're good friends...."  "Silence!  I'm a hero, fighting oppressionist imperialist rape culture!  I'm a hero!"   Rolling Eyes


Anyway, crappy joke.


So a man with twenty acres out in the suburbs decided that he wanted to become a farmer.  The farmlands were only about eight miles away, so he decided to walk.  He got to one of the farms and a hand-painted sign by the road said "Livestock for sale."  So he went up to the farm and asked the farmer what he had for sale.

"Lookin' to start a farm, are you?" the farmer asked.  "I can help you out.  How much money do you have?"

"About a hundred dollars, cash."

"Ooh, that ain't gonna get you much.  But maybe I can still get you started."  The farmer led the guy out to the chicken coop and grabbed a young rooster and a young hen, explaining, "You put these two together, and they'll start hatching chicks.  That's how you get your chicken flock started."

"A rooster and a hen is all I need?"

The farmer shook his head.  "If you're gonna be a chicken farmer, you gotta use the right terminology.  They're both six months old, so the female's called a 'pullet' and the male's called a 'cock.'  Got that?"

The guy nodded.  "Got it."

The farmer went on.  "But chickens eat corn, so you're gonna need to plant a cornfield; whatever the chickens don't eat, you can eat or sell off.  Now, you can buy seedin' corn from any old supermarket, but to pull the rocks outta your field and plow it, you're gonna need this:"  And the farmer led the guy over to an old donkey.

The guy scratched his head.  "My hundred dollars will get me two chickens and a donkey?"

The farmer shook his head again.  "Out in these parts, we do things the old-fashioned way.  There's no such animal as a 'donkey' out here.  That's an ass.  Got that?"

"Got it."

"Now, this ass is just gettin' over a bad skin rash, right here behind his left shoulder.  When it starts botherin' him real bad, he'll start battin' both his ears.  That's when you have to stop and scratch him.  If you don't, he'll turn real ornery, real quick.  Other than that, just let him graze, or put him to work now and then, and he'll be happy."

So the guy was satisfied.  He gave the farmer his hundred dollars, grabbed his chickens and started leading his donkey home.  Just as he was crossing back into the city limits, he met a pretty woman who was out for her evening jog.  And that's when the donkey started batting his ears.  And with a chicken in each hand, there wasn't much he could do about it.

So he stopped the jogger and asked her, "Excuse me, ma'am.  Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Jan 01, 2017 1:14 am

The House of Ainsley wrote:
Anyway, crappy joke.

That's why the thread is called BAD joke of the week.  Read the disclaimer at the beginning and you will see the warning about how bad some of these jokes can be.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:17 am

Here's a good one for all you bacon lovers out there.  

I love bacon and according to science eating one piece of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.  According to my math I should have died about 200 years ago.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Mon Jan 16, 2017 7:50 am

The five symptoms of laziness.

1.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:07 am

Since the we have had a really bad joke of a president for the last eight years, I have decided that there will be no bad jokes this week in honor of President Donald J. Trump's inauguration.
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:48 am

Is the week over yet?  Because if it is....


A priest offered a nun a lift back to her convent.  As the nun got into the priest's car, she crossed her legs, which gave the priest a glimpse of her knee.  Feeling a bit randy, the priest furtively rested his hand on her thigh.

The nun asked, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Feeling abashed, the priest took his hand away.  But further down the road, he shifted gears, and his hand wandered over and slid up the nun's leg again.

Again the nun asked, "Father, do you remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized.  "My apologies, Sister.  The flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily as she got out and walked away.

After returning to his church, the priest hurried back to the rectory, threw his Bible open and read Psalm 129:

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


(Yes, I know, no part of Psalm 129 actually says that. And that's probably why this is a bad joke, eh?)
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PostSubject: Re: Bad Joke of the Week   Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:34 am

Not bad but I have one that come to us from the wonderful mind of Ted Nugent

"So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As... I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "GET OUT!, GET OUT AND STAY OUT!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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