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 Play This Game, You Must.

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The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
The House of Ainsley

Male Number of posts : 2240
Age : 46
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Play This Game, You Must.   Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:06 am

A video game's Attract Mode can say a thousand words.

Nooooo, she's all tied up and helpless!  Don't let the giant spider take her!

Ah, but that's not just any giant spider!  Red spider-woman-thing with blue nipples ahoy!

Meet our protagonist, the Spider Queen.  No, she's not the only one; the title alone suggests that much.  More on that later.

Is she indeed homosexual, as the title suggests?  More on that later too!

It's interesting to see that Mars is now governed by oddly hued space driders, isn't it?

Title drop!  Yes, today we're playing the risqué and deliciously titled Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars!

You too can play, just like I'm doing!  You can play LSQoM on the Adult Swim website here, or you can download it from the website here.  The differences between the two?

Adult Swim:
• Cost: Free Ninety-Free
• Need an internet connection to play
• Censored boobies
• Cost: $5 (or more, if you feel that Auntie Pixelante did good work and deserves a few more bucks)
• Screw the internet connection!  Install it and play any time!
• Nakie boobies

Guess which version I'm playing today.  Wink

Okay, so first off, if you can look past the salacious title and the oodles of topless Yellow-Skinned Space Babes, you end up with a pretty solid spiritual successor to that old arcade classic from the 80's, Wizard of Wor.  Remember Wizard of Wor?

Sure you do!  Okay, so this time around, instead of four kinds of Worlings, we have six kinds of slave women.  The "mystery enemy" is the mastermind of the whole slave revolt; more on her later.  So the Slaves are like Burwors; they mostly walk around and wait to get shot, though they can be dangerous in large numbers (which happens very often in later stages).  The Princesses are Worluks; they run into the maze, run around it at Mach 1, give you a buttload of points if you shoot them in time and run back out of the maze — much to your disappointment — if you don't. But the similarities among the enemies stop there; more on the Gladiators, Armored Slaves, Alchemists and Assassins later as well.

And this may or may not be the last time I say "More on that later," so be warned.  Wink

And just like the Worlings, each type of slave (except for Assassins, who pop up as silently as you'd expect an assassin to be) makes a different sound on entering the mazes. The "ba-koooOOOoooOOM" sound that the Armored Slaves make when they come through the doors is my favorite. Big Bertha's in the house! Smile

...and Bondage & Discipline is a very large part of these negotiations, apparently.

I just think that this is a cute pic.  Just look at that cocky look in that yellow-skinned slave girl's eye!  Even though she's tied up from tits to ankles, she still knows what she wants and how to get it.

Okay, that's enough Attract Mode.  Let's hit the spacebar and get shakin'!

And so our heroine villainess morally dubious protagonist is set on her ignoble quest!

So "Stage Zero" is the Spider Queen's throne room.  You can exit through the south to get your secret weapon for quelling the slave revolt, or you can go left or right to jump ahead to Stage 2.

PROTIP:  ...or you can go north and find the secret exit to Stage 3.

PROTIP:  Don't fret about jumping ahead; you'll still get your weapon if you jump to Stage 2 or Stage 3.  You just miss out on the cutscene where she gets the weapon (as well as the chance to score some more points in Stages 1 and 2), that's all.

PROTIP:  Also, don't worry about those slaves; they'll bang on those doors all day and never once break them down.  Take your time.

PROTIP:  Tired of reading "PROTIP" yet?  GamePro Magazine can kiss my ass.

Anyway, for the sake of the cutscene, let's go south.

Ah, there it is!

So the crystal sceptre is part laser gun, part tractor beam and part Spider-Man's web shooters.  Any enemies who get hit by the sceptre's beam are immediately tied up.  From there, you can either walk over the captive to collect her and defeat her, or you can keep the beam on her to reel her in and grab her that way.  You can also turn away, take the beam off of her and leave her tied up, but she'll only stay tied up for a few seconds before she breaks free.  And if she breaks free, she'll be pissed off, meaning that she turns red, suddenly starts running at Warp 1 and generally becomes a bigger pain in the ass.  So if you tie up some slaves, try not to let them break free if you can help it.


As soon as an enemy is tied up for the first time, she'll drop a crystal, which will slowly bounce around the maze for a few seconds before it disappears.  The Legend up there says that each of these crystals "doubles value;" what that means is that the crystal dropped is worth as many points as the one who dropped it.  A crystal dropped by a 100-point Slave is worth 100 points.  A crystal dropped by a 500-point Alchemist is worth 500 points.  And so on.

The only enemies who don't drop crystals are Princesses (who are already worth plenty), Assassins (who are tremendous pains in the ass overall, so why not?) and the Unknown enemy (whose point value dwarfs even that of the Princess and whose capture may or may not end the game, so you wouldn't have time to grab any more crystals anyway).

Another nice thing?  The crystal sceptre fires continually and endlessly, so you don't have to fuss with any Fire buttons.  You only need the four arrow keys to play LSQoM.  You can play the game with one hand!  [Insert utterly predictable joke about masturbation here.]

By now, you may have noticed all the little yellow hash marks in the upper left corner of each maze; those are the number of slaves you must recapture before the stage ends.  Capture the last slave for that stage and it's time to move on to the next stage.

You'll get a choice most of the time, and the differences between these areas amounts to maze decorations (like staircases or captured slaves in chains) and the layout and design of the maze itself.  The exceptions are the stages at the end of each chapter or segment of the game.  Look at the very top border of each maze and you'll probably see a castle quartered into blue, pink, purple and red sections, each of them divided into several stages.  At the end of the blue stages, you must go to the Dungeon and you get another cutscene for beating it.  At the end of the pink stages, you must go to the Palace Grounds and you get a cutscene for beating that stage.  At the end of the purple stages, you must descend to the surface of Mars; another cutscene awaits.  And at the end of the red stages...well, that's the final battle with the mysterious mastermind, and the end of the game.  Guess what?  More on her later!  :p

Remember how Pac-Man had the animation in between stages with Pac-Man and the ghosts chasing each other around?  LSQoM has something like that too, with the Spider Queen chasing some random slave, or the slave chasing the Spider Queen, or sometimes just a slave or the Spider Queen walking across the screen by herself.  There's also reading material above the animation scene, usually another helpful hint for all of you scrubs beginners...

(Yes, yes, game advice block thingie, I just covered that one.)

...but sometimes it's a factoid about the planet Mars.

And sometimes, its a cute classified ad written by the Spider Queen.  "Are you a big, burly woman?  Do you like to carry shields?  Do you fantasize about being taken from behind?  Call me!"

The top border of the maze also occasionally shows more game tips, like this tip about capturing the Armors/Armored Slaves.  Try to zap them from the front and they'll just block it with their shields; to catch them, you have to zap them from behind or from the flanks.  The Armored Slaves slog around at the speed of a fully loaded cement truck (if not slower), so catching them's pretty easy (as long as you're not in front of them).

After enough time, the Armored Slaves will get impatient, ditch their shields and start running really fast.  Then you can zap them from the front, but know that their point values — as well as the values of the crystals they drop — drop from 300 to 100.  It's not worth the wait; just flank and capture the tanky bitches, okay?

The Armored Slave's shield in action.  Not seen here: The Armored Slave giving the slightest fraction of a damn as she slowly yet relentlessly continues marching towards the Spider Queen with trusty spear in hand, ready to make Spider-Queen kebob.

See that Princess down there?  Like I said, she runs really, really fast and she'll still cost you a life if she runs over you.  But she's worth 2,000 points if you tie her up and grab her.  And remember: You get an extra life every 25,000 points.  So she's worth it.

Plus, she makes a tinkle-tinkle sound when she runs and she drops sparkles and glitter everywhere.  She's pretty cute.  And she's definitely worth catching.  Smile

Like I said, Assassins are a humungous pain in the ass.  They pop out of the walls, throw daggers and disappear.  And the daggers ricochet off the walls several times.

The only way to take an Assassin out is to blast her head-on; your beam will just pass over her if you come at her from either side.  The bad news?  She doesn't drop any crystals.  The good news?  You don't have to walk over her and capture her; just zap her in the head and she's done.  Plus, the Assassins don't count among the number of slaves you have to capture for any given stage, but there is still only a certain number of Assassins per stage.  So it's up to you whether or not you want to make a point of hunting Assassins.

There's another neat tip.  Gladiators are almost like Slaves, with one difference: A Slave will just keep wandering randomly, even if she has a direct line of sight to your Spider Queen.  But a Gladiator will immediately drop whatever she's doing and beeline right for your Spider Queen at Mach 1.  One Gladiator charging you is manageable; get three or four of them charging you from two or three sides and you're in big trouble.

There's another nice tip.  The Alchemist is Annoyance Incarnate; every time she leaves a plume of fire in her wake, it makes an obnoxious "RUNFFF!!!" noise.  "RUNFFF!!!  RUNFFF!!!  RUNFFF!!!  RUNFFF!!!  RUNFFF!!!"  It gets old in a hurry.

She's also pretty nasty, as her fire trails can trap you and make you lose opportunities to capture other slaves, or perhaps even get you cornered by other enemies.  Like that one game tip up there says, be sure to use your sceptre's "tractor beam" ability; I can't tell you how many times I've walked into an Alchemist's flames and died while trying to capture a slave (usually the Alchemist herself).  It's best to take her head-on if you can.


My Spider Queen got stabbed so hard, she exploded.  Sad

It's a fun game, but the Adult Swim identifies it as a "Twitchy" game for good reason: Your enemies are many, more so in later stages of the game.  They only get faster as time marches on.  So as the game progresses, your margins for error grow thinner and thinner.  And sometimes, you just can't help but zig where you should have zagged.

So here's the standard Game Over screen, with your rebellious slaves turning the tables on their former regent, the Spider Queen.  Expect to see it.  Expect to see it a lot.

I'm off to bed now.  More to come tomorrow!   Cool

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The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
The House of Ainsley

Male Number of posts : 2240
Age : 46
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Play This Game, You Must.   Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:47 pm

I should probably mention the pikes.  As early as Stage 3, you might hear a little "pink" sound and see a spearhead pop up out of the wall.  If that spearhead pops up next to you, move.  You don't want to get skewered, do you?

Even if it doesn't stick you, the pike will still become a temporary wall and block the passage for a few seconds.  Sometimes that's an annoyance, other times it's a timely way of stopping a charging Gladiator in her tracks and giving you a few seconds of breathing room.  So the pikes are a mixed bag, albeit a mostly bad mixed bag.

And in later stages, more pikes start popping up around the maze.  So get used to them.

The plot thickens!  So it turns out that Spider Queen and this Queen Tarantula were lovers once upon a time.  Then for whatever reason, drama cropped up, Spider Queen kicked Queen Tarantula to the curb and now Queen Tarantula's all stalkery and out for revenge.  And apparently these space driders form the ruling class of Mars, so what better way to get back at your ex-girlfriend than convincing her slaves that you'd be a better ruler than your ex is, thereby getting your ex tossed out of her throne in a massive coup/revolt/political upheaval, right?

Crazy ex-girlfriends are always a serious problem, even on Mars.   Razz

You want armies of slaves?  You got armies of slaves!  Once you hit the red mazes in the last act of this play, your enemies become legion.  Learn to twitch!  Learn to change directions rapidly, and don't bother trying to predict their movements; chances are pretty good that you'll be wrong...except for the Gladiators, who are dumb enough to charge into any trap you've set for them.  Still, don't get cocky; Gladiators can swamp you with sheer weight of numbers too.

Yes, the numbers of Assassins increase too.  I should probably mention that you can deflect their thrown daggers with your sceptre beam.  So sometimes, standing perfectly still is a good way to protect yourself from Assassins.  Just don't stand still for over long; you're still standing in the middle of a riot, after all.

More tips for becoming a successful Lesbian Spider-Queen of Mars:

Don't chase crystals!  If you zap-and-cap a slave at point blank and her crystal's in spitting distance, great!  Grab it.  But if it's further than that and the whole neighborhood's filled with slaves running around the maze like white trash in a Walmart on Black Friday, well...I can't begin to count how many times I've chased a bouncing crystal right into the path of an oncoming slave...or two slaves...or five.  Don't let the crystals lure you into a dangerous situation!  Sometimes, it's best to let the crystal go.  Even an Alchemist's 500-point crystal is worth less than a single one of your lives.

Avoid four-way intersections!  Especially in the "red maze" stages.  Sometimes, you just have to pass through a four-way.  Do it, but get out pronto!  The last thing you want is for slaves to be sprinting full-tilt at you from three or four directions at once.  Can you say "deathtrap"?  I knew you could.

Beware of Armored Slaves with groupies!  Sometimes, you're faced with a clump of slaves all running together in your direction.  These mobs are easy enough to manage; just point your beam at them.  The slave in front gets webbed and stops.  The slave behind her runs forward past her into your beam, gets webbed and stops.  Then the slave behind her runs past her into your beam, gets webbed and stops.  Then you just walk over them all and pick them up, like scooping a bunch of giftwrapped goodies out of a Toys for Tots box.

This approach works fine and well if the entire pack's just Slaves, Gladiators, Alchemists, de-shielded Armored Slaves and the occasional Princess.  But if there's a shield-toting Armored Slave among them, then guess who's going to walk forward past all of her tied-up comrades and block your beam.  And now all of her webbed-up buddies behind her are breaking out of their bonds.  Now they're all red, pissed off and approaching the posted Speed Limit as they bolt headlong at you, and their shield-bearing pointgirl is still blocking your beam....

It gets ugly in a hurry.

So learn to take advantage of an Armored Slave's sloth. If you see a throng with an Armored Slave in the middle of it, retreat! Give the other slaves enough space to gallop past their slower, chunkier comrade. Then web them and grab them as usual. After that, you're free to deal with the Armored Slave one-on-one as soon as she finally catches up.
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The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
The House of Ainsley

Male Number of posts : 2240
Age : 46
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Play This Game, You Must.   Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:29 pm

The stage is set!  Your nemesis approaches!  The final battle is nigh!

The Ultimate Showdown begins!

In case you haven't deduced things by now, Queen Tarantula is the "Unknown" enemy from the Legend in the Attract Mode.  She's worth 15,000 points if you defeat her, but for this stage and this stage alone, all of the Jill Schmoe slaves are worth precisely zero points.  Every time you continue, your score gets reset to zero, and you probably had to go through a few continues to get this far.  So you're just plain not going to be earning any extra lives in Room 13, therefore, there's really no reason to go out of your way to attack the slaves.  If they get in your way, by all means, mow them down!  But your focus should be on Queen Tarantula and Queen Tarantula alone.

And defeating her isn't easy.  She's worse than an Armored Slave in that she's invulnerable from the front and from both sides as well.  She also has a Gladiator's killer instinct, and her sceptre beam can reach all the way across the maze.  So if she sees you, you're hosed.  If you go head-on with Queen Tarantula, you will lose.  If you come at her from either side, she'll turn on you like a viper and take you out then and there.  The only way to take her out is to somehow get on her six and zap her dead-on from behind — right in her big, fuzzy, flashing tarantula butt that's just taunting you into zapping it — which is plenty harder than it sounds.

Uh oh.

And for this final stage alone, you get treated to a special Game Over screen after Queen Tarantula and/or her flunkies kick your ass too many times.

Special Game Over screens: Because sometimes, evil the greater evil the darker shade of gray the bad guy the other morally ambiguous space drider wins.

At least in this case, evil has a nice pair of titties.
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The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
The House of Ainsley

Male Number of posts : 2240
Age : 46
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Play This Game, You Must.   Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:39 pm

Okay, Queen Tarantula, I'm getting really sick and tired of you throwing me into a giant spider web and stealing my tiara!  This time, your bulbous ass is grass, and here comes the lawnmower!

Gotcha now, bitch! Let's see you negotiate this power exchange!   Twisted Evil

Mmm!  Lumpy, delicious space fruit!  My favorite!

Hey, you!  Slave with the mohawk!  Stop drooling on my leg!  That's just nasty.

" I'm just going to train my princesses by making them take turns flogging Queen Tarantula and kicking her around the dungeon all the time.  It's cool."

I kind of feel bad for Queen Tarantula now.  We're never told the specifics of why these two spider-queens broke up, and if working as a prison guard has taught me anything, it's that every person is the heroic, lily-white golden knight of his or her own life story, even if everyone else thinks that he or she is a complete scumbag.  Even Adolf Hitler probably went to his grave thinking that he was perfectly justified in everything he did!  So we get to hear the Spider Queen's side of the story, but is that really how things went down?  Or did Queen Tarantula finally break it off and vow revenge after Spider Queen threw her down the stairs one too many times?

Plus, it's quite likely that Spider Queen's a tyrant and Queen Tarantula is a freedom fighter or a (somewhat...marginally...kinda-sorta) noble usurper.  I mean, a million-billion revolting slaves scattered across thirteen mazes?  That's a buttload of former subjects in full revolt!  If that many Martians turned against Spider Queen the moment Queen Tarantula showed up in the town square and gave them an inspiring soapbox speech, then Spider Queen was probably an awful regent and the Martians were so sick of her that they were just itching for their chance at a regime change!  How soon until the next Queen Tarantula wannabe shows up?

Besides, in my humble opinion, that tiara looks better on Queen Tarantula's head anyway.

Hey, I'd date Queen Tarantula, even if she is a hairy space drider!  She just has that certain je ne sais quoi.  Which is French for "pretty hair and soft, perky boobies."  Wink

Okay, enough philosophizing.  Roll the credits!

Good work, Amon26!  Smile

♪ ♫ "When you looked to the stars, / I bet you didn't expect, expect the Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars!"  ♪ ♫

You're welcome!

Yeah, yeah, whatever.  I sucked!  My score sucked!  All 15,000 points were from Queen Tarantula!  And being the true gamer that I am, I can't quit until I beat the game on one continue, or maybe even one life!

So are you guys going to play this game and beat me to it?  My High Score's 77,500.  Top that!  Top it if you dare!   Razz

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The House of Ainsley
Keeper of the Dark Mirror
The House of Ainsley

Male Number of posts : 2240
Age : 46
Location : The Dark Heart of Bardosylvania

PostSubject: Re: Play This Game, You Must.   Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:00 am

On second thought, top this!

Clearly my skills are improving. Wink
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